3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
