They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize