OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Omg I joined a choir last night...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
