My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
