I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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