Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I want a musical about memes.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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