you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
if only i could text you this smell
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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