I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
