my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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