Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
