ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
