i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
