I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
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Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
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I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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