i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
