sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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