The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
someone owes me an orgasm
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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