You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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