I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
