Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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