Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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