No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
