Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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