My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
