You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
