I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We have started to decorate penises.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
