he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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