I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
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There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
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Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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