Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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