I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
