I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
