Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
