i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
