He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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