you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
