"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
