I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
