My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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