I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
