My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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