genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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