i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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