woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
