My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
