First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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