Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
