sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
