seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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