I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
