is your mom at the bar?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
