i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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