I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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