I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
