Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
