Can i not drive my cunt home
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
