I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
