Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
