I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Help me help you realize you are a moron
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
