things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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