We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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