she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
